Sunday, June 8, 2008

Angel Baby #3, Family Planning

Unfortunatly I just lost another baby at the end of May. As best I can tell this is Angel baby #3, but there may be 4. This miscarriage started rather early, I never knew I was pregnant untill my miscarriage started. I think I might not have realised that it was a miscarriage if I had not allready been through them, this was one for sure. For me this misscarriage has been totally different. For me it helped that I never 'knew' I was pregnant, and that it was so early, and especially because I 'let' it happen.

On my previous two miscarriages I fought against the miscarriage. I decided to believe that my pregnancy was only 'at risk' and if I tried EVERYTHING possiable maybe, just maybe, I could save the baby. Those were TORTURE. I spent my every min. thinking about the baby and how to save it. Loosing those babies was much more difficult.

Fortunatly this loss was mostly like a period that was a bit worse then normal.

There was one day where I sat despondant on the couch and did not get off of it all day, even though I had things I needed to do. That was the worst day. I also have not pused myself to do any work I do not want to, for now. I felt like I needed to go easy on myself at first. Thankfully I am feeling myself rise out of that.

"If you are going to loose your babies so easily... Why," you may ask, "dont you use some form of birth control?"

For me Birth Control is one of the most complicated health topics. Ever since Jeff and I were first married we practiced Natural Family Planning. This was our record for that time.

Baby #1 - 2+ years after merriage we decided we were ready to have a baby soon. We never made plans on when we wanted to get pregnant, that seemed to scary to do. So while we were still in the 'planning' phase we got careless about my cycle and got pregnant with baby #1.

Baby #2 two years after baby #1. I started having dreams about a dark haired dark eyed baby girl that belonged to me, and became EXTREEMLY baby hungry for a baby RIGHT NOW. So we tried to have a baby and had what I think was possiable my first misscarriage. Then three months after that we tried again and had Baby #2.

Baby #3 two years after baby #2. We decided we loved the spacing between baby 1 and 2 and planned to have baby #3 with the same spacing. Infact I was feeling so confident that I decided I wanted the baby to be born in Aug like his Papa and name him Jr. Well I miscalculated and this baby was born in July.

Child #4 While pregnant with baby #3 we found out we could adopt the beautiful dark eyed dark haired girl I dreamed about, she was now 3, She was born in the same month I had the dream about her. She is actually Child #2 by ages.

Angel Baby #2 Surprise an unplaneed pregnancy, we are totally excited. We replan our whole future to include this baby. Shortly after Baby #3 was born I felt strongly that another spirit wanted to have a body, so I felt that this pregnancy was this same spirit. I felt that I communed with this spirit and knew 'him', I strongly believed the baby was a he.

Angel baby #3 Surprise another unplanned pregnancy, this baby grows for almost three months like the one before. We are excited, but alas, things did not go as we hoped. Misscarriage was just like the one before

Angel baby #4 Just a few weeks ago, unplanned also. Lost the baby early-on before I 'Knew'I was pregnant.

You see for most of our married life we had the NFPing thing down. We could pick which months to get pregnant in, and when not to get pregnant. But something changed and now I do not seem to know my cycle well enough to avoid getting pregnant. Something else has changes also, I cant seem to carry the babies full term.

I WILL not use Chemical birth control this includes Spermacide, Pills and shots. I do not trust what they would do to my health, or my reproductive system. I will not fix my DH (he is not a dog). This only leaves the option of an IUD. I use to fear pregnancies that are valid with an IUD in and heard horor stories of babies being born with the IUD in the hand. Or the IUD causing a misscarriage after the baby grew for a while. Now I am concerned about the spiritual implication that the IUD might cause a woman to avoid pregnancy simply by 'aborting' all embrios. That basically the IUD makes it so the embrio will not implant even if it is fertalised. My soul struggles with this spiritual reality. I want ALL spirits to have a chance at life, ALL. I do not want to cause ANY spirit to loose that chance, ANY.

So I am at a paradox, loose a few babies through misscarriages because we have not been good at knowing our cycle for NFP. Or miscarriage unknown numbers of babies that do not have a chance to implant. Thus I remain in waiting and not making a decision. Maybe I need to go back to the basics of NFP, and do all the Newbie things to relearn my cycle. I think that is the best option. Then maybe I wont misscarry any because of an IUD or an unplanned pregnancy.


1 comment:

Pam said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you during this time.