Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My two Angel Babies

Thank you fellow bloggers for checking in on me. The last post and this I think will be a part of a series of post in which I try to understand and resolve my feelings around the last year. That last entry did help.

I have been so dismayed, and felt that the Lords plan was not fulfilled in the miscarriage. I think it was a misunderstanding I had in interpretation of inspiration. I was inspired to give my baby boy a body, and to me that meant a life here on earth. Thus I proceeded to plan his future, and imagine him happily playing with his older brother.

I do not know if it was destiny or it it was just because of the weakness and imperfection of the mortal body. At any rate I feel strongly that the two-three months my son Jeffrey (named for his father) lived in my body were his chance at life. Other mothers have expressed their feelings that the miscarriage did not mean a loss of life for a spirit, and that the spirit had another chance to be born in their next child. Only for me there is not a next child, but I felt the spirit in me, this I can not deny. Thus if the spirit was given a body, though tiny and hidden away secretly in my body, and this body died, then the spirit went back to heaven, his earthly life over. I will not see it any other way. My spirit son lost his chance at an earthly life. Thus I felt sorrow that the Lords plans were wrecked. But instead it was my plans that were wrecked, my plans for another brother in the family. The Lords plan still was carried out, this dear spirit got his opportunity to have a body.

And my boy can know from heaven how deeply he was loved. I took as much time as possible to love him and morn him, I wanted him to know that his loss was also a great loss to me. I still pray that the angles will take good care of him, and love him, especially love him, for me. And I pray that they will care for and love my 2nd baby I miscarried afterwards. These two angles are being raised by angles.

I can not explain how I pleaded with the angles, how I told them I did not want them to raise these two babies, how I planned to raise these two spirits, and what I would give up in order to have that opportunity back. But alas, now, I am left to pray for their care. Not that I worry it will be sufficient, but because I want to be a part of it. And, I want these two wonderful spirits to know I love them still, and still care for their well being.

I do not know if I have three angle babies or not. My first miscarriage happened in the first two weeks, before I even knew to test to see if I was pregnant. I seem to feel that the ovum was blighted enough to not produce another valid host for a spirit, in some funny way that is my hope. No, that is my belief I believe there are two angel babies I carried, not three, though I have experienced three miscarriages.

MamaJean

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